Oh. My. God. [Act 3]

Tonight was what I hope is the third part of a trilogy. I mean it. I really hope this is a trilogy and not a series. While it’s not as funny as the dog puke incident or as disgusting as the poop incident, I thought it was still worth noting.

All day long I’ve been feeling a little bit off. I had a headache and a stomach-ache and had some major bouts of nausea and I just didn’t feel right. (This is where I pause and inform you all that, NO, I am absolutely not pregnant. No. No. NO. Don’t even think it.)

Husband was kind enough to make dinner tonight so I could try to rest. He went above and beyond his usual delicious dinner. A few minutes in, whether it was the yummy dinner or the fact that the kid’s mouths were too full to continue their screaming rampage through the house, my headache finally began to lift. When we finished eating I asked husband if he minded if I took a shower before the kids go down. (ie: would he mind watching all three for like half an hour so I could make an attempt at shaking off whatever this weird bug was.)

He said sure and I headed into the bathroom. No sooner did I get into the shower when Buddy was hot on my heels, throwing back the shower curtain. I sighed and told him to take off his clothes and he could join me. He squealed and started tearing off his clothes like a madman while I carelessly squirted bubble bath soap randomly around the tub I was standing in and closed the drain. Buddy whipped his toys in the tub, hitting my shins on occasion (I now have two little bruises… the turd) then dove in himself.

After the shower is where things got a little interesting. I turned off the water and heard panting outside of the shower curtain. I pulled back the curtain to find Bear perched against the cabinet smiling broadly as if she was saying, “I found youuuu!” Apparently Buddy left the door open. She got down and came over to the tub as I got out and perched herself against the side of the tub and watched Buddy playing in the water. My “alone time” was really dwindling fast. I decided that I’d just ignore them and keep going about my business. I dried off while climbing around Bear and trying to avoid getting splashed by Buddy who was laughing and thrashing like a maniac now because it was making Bear laugh.

I should also note that our bathroom is tiny. It’s one of those bathrooms where you literally have like a 7 foot by 2 foot area to walk. It’s long and skinny. Your knees could possibly touch the tub while sitting on the toilet. This is the only bathroom in our home.

So, I’m getting dressed in the tiny area between the tub and the toilet while Buddy is thrashing in the tub and Bear is taking up most of the space in front of the sink/mirror. As I’m playing contortionist in the corner trying to get my clothes on, you’ll never guess who comes around the corner to join us. Well… you probably will. It’s Peanut! She comes in, giggling and squealing in all of her glory. She wants in on the action and she wants in on it now!

Now I’ve got all three kids in the room with me. The smallest room in the entire house. So much for my alone time. The girls are laughing and screaming while Buddy puts on a show with his tub toys. He’s throwing them all over the place and jumping around, splashing the giggling girls in the process. I note all of the water on the floor and put on my socks and slippers thinking the rubber-bottomed slippers will keep my socks from getting wet at least. (Normally I’d tell him not to splash, but this was my me time.)

I begin to brush my hair and remember that I’ve been wanting to try to do my hair nice once since cutting my hair considerably shorter about a week ago. I shrug. I may as well just do it. It’s not like I’ll ever get my alone time. *sigh*

I grab some mousse and my diffuser and get to work. I figure that’s the simplest up-do for the time being but it will give me a good idea of what I’m working with. I’ve got one kid wrapped around one foot, and another balancing herself on my leg. After I saturate my hair with the mousse, I maneuver myself slightly so I can at least bend over and turn on the blow dryer. I’m about halfway through and getting comfortable with my complete lack of space when suddenly my foot gets soaked. Not the kind of soaked where it’s kind of annoyingly wet on the bottom of the sock when you step in a wet spot. No. I felt like I was walking through a pond with my shoes and socks on. My slipper was full of water and my sock was disgustingly squished against my foot. I turned around to find Bear standing there with a little container tipped to the side and positioned directly over a small opening at the back of my slipper. She dumped a good 15-20 oz. of water into my slipper. Buddy must have set it on the ledge of the tub full of water. *siiiiigh*

I peel off my sopping slipper and sock, and take off my other ones  and roll up my pants for good measure. I at least want to finish my hair.

No sooner did I get my hands on the hairdryer when Buddy lets out a blood curdling scream. I look at him in the mirror and ask him what’s wrong, but he just keeps screaming like he got hurt (even though he’s clearly okay). I roll my eyes and curse husband for not coming to my aid yet as I turn around to assess the newest situation.

“Ah.” I chuckled. “That’s why.” There were three little poops floating in the tub. Buddy was cowering in the opposite corner of the little floating heathens, clearly terrified of the cursed floating poop. He was freaked. out.

Husband finally came charging in asking what’s wrong and finds me straddled awkwardly over the two girls and Buddy cowering in the tub. I pointed to the tub and Husband laughed. I growled, “Can you please help me with something in here.” He pauses. “What do you need?” *Are you serious?* “Take the girls.”

He dives in and grabs the girls and my legs are freed to assess the situation. Buddy is still screaming in the corner and the poops are beginning to migrate in his direction. He is NOT pleased and starts dancing in place. I grab the container that was used to completely soak my perfectly good slipper and attempted to scoop up the poops. I made the mistake of scooping in the direction of Buddy and they all began dancing and twirling in the water at a dangerous speed towards him. That was enough. He went over the edge. He screamed and dove away from the terrifying floating monsters and nearly drowned himself in the process as his face was fully submerged in water for a moment. He came up sputtering and thrashing and wailing, his entire body in defense mode at this point. He had to escape. He had to escape NOW.

He finally found his bearings and I finally got ahold of his slippery little body and pulled him out, panting and wide-eyed, clinging to me for dear life. I wrapped him in a blanket and we turned and silently watched two of the remaining turds dancing freely in the water. After a moment, I put him down and grabbed his container and scooped up the rest of the poops and flushed them down the toilet.

Saying the floor was soaked by this point would be an understatement. Not only that, but the remaining half of my hair that I didn’t get to blow dry with my diffuser was now hard and stuck to the side of my head.

After I finally cleaned up the floor, drained the tub, picked up Buddy’s toys, changed myself and the girls into dry clothes and got Buddy into his pajamas, I just chuckled to myself. These are the moments you never consider when planning for a family. Although these moments can be extremely taxing and overwhelming, you will almost always find yourself laughing about it afterwards.

What was my lesson learned this time? Don’t ever ever assume the bathroom is my safe zone. I will now always expect adventures, even in the unlikeliest of places.


4 thoughts on “Oh. My. God. [Act 3]

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